So…there’s this boy. God, don’t you just love stories that start with that? Yes, there’s this boy and… Well, that’s just it. I have no words. I have sounds, like “woo-wee!” or “ow-ow.” But, I have no actual words. We’ve exchanged casual small talk and I constantly find myself at a loss for words. If you knew me, you’d know this doesn’t happen. There are few things that I don’t have an opinion on, and nothing that I don’t speak up about. But this kid…I dunno. He strikes a stunning silence into me. It’s something very uncharacteristic for me…and I like it.
For privacy purposes we’ll give this boy a pseudonym. Charlie will work just fine I guess. Mostly because when I hear the name Charlie I think of a sexy yet sensitive man who saves orphaned puppies but still has that badass “I don’t need your love” kinda attitude about him. (I understand that my taste in men is pointing out some deeply disturbing attributes of my psyche, but for all intents and purposes let’s just ignore that for the time being). Anyway, Charlie is my wanna-be-boo. We all have them. He’s the guy that you want to bring home to your parents. The one you stalk on Facebook. When someone casually mentions his name in conversation you pretend to not know his life story. Oh puh-lease. As if you don’t recite his profile by heart. If you’re reading this and not nodding your head violently in agreement, you might as well sign yourself up for counseling because you’re lying to yourself, sweetheart. We all do it. I’m just admitting it.
The problem with Charlie – and let me mention it is that gorgeous boy’s only problem – is that he lives in my dorm. You would think this would be an opportune kind of situation, right? Well, you’d be wrong. Charlie living below me is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.
My hallmate calls it “dormsest” (get it…like insest…but with dorm? Witty, I know.) It’s quite possibly the worst thing a 1st year girl can encounter. Charlie living in the same building as me is a curse. Now our love can never be. Charlie and I are like Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Jennifer Hudson and chocolate fudge cake. Our love is deep…but we are kept apart; separated by a despicable force of evil – the Dormsest Curse. The Dormsest Curse is a plague that hits many 1st year girls, and it’s pretty self-explanatory. Ever run into a hook-up on grounds? Do you remember how totally horrible and awkward it was? You desperately try to avoid eye contact, but you happen to glance up at the worst moment. Now what? Do you say hello? If you do, do you stop and chat? Or the worst of the worst – when you run into a past hook up at a dining hall and you’re so hungry you feel like Christian Bale in The Machinest but you don’t want them to see you stuffing your face like the food-ogre you are so you reluctantly pass by the burgers and eat a salad. I hate salad. I didn’t climb to the top of the evolutionary food chain to eat grass. But yet I find myself nomming on leaves at least once a month because I don’t want Hook-Up X to see me for the true whale that I am.
Now, imagine all of those awful scenarios happening ALL THE TIME. That is the Dormsest Curse. Because once you’ve hooked up with someone in your dorm, there is no going back. Let’s be real, we’re all young adults in our first year of college. This is not The Love Boat. This is the Sow Your Wild Oats And Behave In Ways Your Parents Would Have Disowned You For Boat. You’re not going to get married. There is no hope for the long term. So eventually, this guy you’ve hooked up with in your dorm – or in my case, Charlie – will eventually just become another past hook-up. And then I’d have to face him every.single.day. My normal routine of rolling out of bed ten minutes before class starts would be a no no. I’d have to look cute at all times so he wouldn’t think he made-out with a gnome. I’d have to shower. I’d have to put on socially acceptable clothes. I’d have to – gasp! – actually look presentable to the public world.
This, to me, is a fate worse than death. So instead I will deny my urges. I will marvel at Charlie from a far, but that is all I may do. It’s the classic “look but don’t touch” rule. Besides, maybe that’s almost sexier. Wasn’t it Shakespeare who said something about the only romantic love is the unrequited kind? Don’t quote me on that but it was some really famous dead guy and he said something to that effect. But take my advice ladies…and first year fellahs too…the Dormsest Curse is not one that can be broken. When you become a victim of the Curse you need to realize one thing – the level of awkwardness you’re about to endure is a lot like my love for cheese-fries: exponentially increased with every chance encounter.